Chapter Three
In Barns & Bedrooms – About the Album
Chapter One was my birth until July 2nd, 2002 – the day my dad died. Chapter Two was a fifteen year period of dealing with the grief and anger over Chapter One’s ending through an increasing dependence on alcohol. Chapter Three began on January 2nd, 2018 with my last drink. As the dust settled and the clouds lifted, my acoustic guitar sat across the room beckoning for attention. I had played it over the past few years, but not often. With each bottle of whisky, the more I had retreated from joy and distanced myself from my passions. I saw sobriety as the welcoming back of my Chapter One self, replete with my love for music, and I set on a mission to immerse myself in the art of music making. I had a few rough recordings of songs I had written during the Chapter Two years, most of which came from a fleeting dance with sobriety in 2009. I cracked open my old, dead eMac where those recordings lived and performed minor surgery to recover the hard drive and bring the data back to life.
Some of these songs were recorded in less-than-ideal locations – my stepdad’s barn comes to mind. I recorded the vocals to “October” at 3 in the morning at the top of my lungs, surrounded by the sawdust of Larry’s most recent woodworking project. After saying goodbye to alcohol for good, I started learning mixing techniques to polish up these existing recordings and decided I wanted to add more songs to release a complete album. “Can I even write music sober?” I was apprehensive. It didn’t seem as if there was much to write about; I was just working all the time, trying to grow JCM. So I started looking for inspiration outside myself, reconnecting with the deep empathy that tragedy and grief tends to foster, and I did it. I wrote new music. I wrote sober music. I wrote the best music I’ve ever written (I think). I hope you enjoy it. But if not, that’s ok. I made this album for myself, my inner child, and my dad, who bought me my first guitar.
Lyrics & Credits
Sober Prize
When everything’s allowed
No questioning allowed
And truth losing its center
You sinners are loud
And I will figure out
How to come together
No better time than now
This glorious weather
I’ve been told and you’ve been told
Sit and conform
I’ve been told and you’ve been told
Just wait out the storm
I’ve been told and you’ve been told
Sit and conform
Force fit this B Major chord
Just cause I am bored
Here, now
Just finding out
She’s down
But not with me for the count
Scream, leave
I really wanted this to be
My sober prize
No sober prize
Not mine, not mine
Not mine and that’s fine
Not mine, not mine
Not mine and that’s fine
No sober, no sober prize
Pretty devil dressed in discontent
Let me buy you a drink, she whispers
I will level you up, damn the consequences down
I set that beast on fire, set high expectations
Disappointment comes in waves
Unwavering cessation
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY: Jeff Travilla
Quiet the Mind
There’s a mystery in the silence where
The answer lies and waits for us there
But it’s so hard to quiet the mind to listen
Commotion for the sake of noise
Pack your shit pack all your toys
It’s time to catch the bus to home
Overwhelmed we sleep again
Trying to dream again
But rarely can we make it that far
We’re caught like fireflies
Flashing glowing, warning signs
We are just like bugs trapped in a jar
Is there something worth far more
To listen for
Oh, if you close your eyes
There is something worth far more
To listen for
Oh, if you close your eyes
You might hear an angel
Singing for you
The sound of an angel
Singing for you
Singing for you
There’s a feeling of joy to shut off the noise
But a songbird could never be heard over a siren
We need, we need the alarm, we need, we need the alarm, we need
Because the sick need attending to
And the fire won’t fucking cease to burn
And we’re all too busy to see that we’re in the way
So I welcome the noise saying thank you to its thunder
But I wonder if in between the sirens and alarms
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY: Jeff Travilla
Overcome
I’m still crossing my fingers
But it’s not as if I’m lonely
It’s just that I like who I am more
When I’ve got someone to be better for
Embrace not just who you are
But who you were
And the change you made to get here
Be strong you have come so far
It’s not ego to be proud to have overcome
It’s not ego to be proud to have overcome
Feeling hopeful about this key change
But not until the song decides it’s time
Keep striving, keep driving
And with open eyes
It wells up inside till I bleed my pen dead and dry
Turbulence ain’t but a shake
Hey Gus, it’s just like a ride
No scary drop, no nosedive
Fly it up, fly high, pretty skyline
Turbulence ain’t but a shake
Shakes are milk cream and sugar
Won’t be scared of dessert
Serve it up, pour more, it’s a good life
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY: Jeff Travilla
Mr. Stranger Angel
Oh never mind me
I guess I just wished
To have meant as much as I’d hoped I did
The cigarette put out early
Swept right past the dustpan
And under this rug with all you’re hiding
Put me out, oh put me out
I wrote these words down to dull their sharp edge
I used to drink the words down and then sleep the drink off
Oh the angel of my nightmare
Begs this dream to change
And I hold it so close that I know it can change
And I know now I have to let you go
It’s Chicago and I’m lost in the the train station
Unite me, Mr. Stranger with myself
Mr. Stranger, I need you to be my angel
Mr. Stranger Angel
He said “What has you worrying so?
I can see that you’re about to cry.”
Then I cried without trying, and it felt damn good to cry
Thank you, Mr. Stranger, you might have just saved my life
You might have
I might have wrote these words down to dull their sharp edge
I used to drink the words down and then sleep the drink off
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY: Jeff Travilla
Ellie’s Song
Soft focus on my rhythm and rhyme
As I’m counting 1 through 7 in time
Over and over and over; I rock her to sleep
All cooped up in my skin, yet my soul is light and free
Feel a little off balance, just a moment at a time
Don’t classify me
With anxiety just cause
I’m not sure I’m doing this right
I’m not so sure I’m doing this right
But I cut myself off and pray to say
I know more now
Bricks tumbling down
Unafraid
Unafraid
Old fears washed out
Eyes open now
To see your face
Wrapped in lace
I’m shining now
Bright sun drenched bow
Sailing
Clear sailing
Joy tears, no clouds
Eyes open now
To see your face
Wrapped in lace
Over the years talking to dad
Missed him so much
Swear he’d answer the phone
Voice ringing clear – always so genuine
Coached me through last year’s depression
But I don’t hear him any more
Is his spirit out of orbit, oh no
Or is he right here next to me
Is he re-learning to speak
Is he right here with Ellie
Am I rocking him to sleep
Strike the spark, feed the fire
Burning, building inside her
I feel you, I feel you
It’s your carefree in her smile
Please God not too wild
I feel you, I feel you
Heaven scope, a collide
Colors burst, and she’s wide eyed
I feel you
I feel you rooting for me…
WRITTEN BY: Katie Falk & Jeff Travilla
PERFORMED BY: Jeff Travilla
October
Self seducing smiles of power
Smiles of power and ego
Through the window
Feel superior
Tell me now, do you feel superior
Late October, early morning
So much unraveling to be done, done
Late October, early morning
Angel begs for mercy on the soul she’s courting
Dancing alone in the breeze
And the air sweeps up just to tease
Flying at home overseas
Singing please, please, please
With so much to repair and make right again
I’m throwing it all to the sky
It’s time to turn that tight grasp to trust again
And welcome my hope back to life
I’m welcoming hope back to life…
I’m welcoming hope back to
Single leaf, oak tree
Refused to turn its color to fall
Conflict, tension, mirror wall
A well-placed smile, a powerful weapon
Late October, early morning
Tough skin leaves deeper scars on life’s lesson, lesson
Late October, early morning
Rain, rain, rain it’s pouring
Dancing all over the breeze
A wind sweep touch just to tease
I’m eating alone overseas
Singing please, please, please
With so much to repair and make right again
I’m throwing it all to the sky
It’s time to turn that tight grasp to trust again
And welcome my hope back to life
With so much to repair and make right again
I’m throwing it all to the sky
It’s time to turn that tight grasp to trust again
And welcome my hope back to life
Welcome my hope back to life…
I’m welcoming hope back to life
I’m welcoming hope back to…
Welcome home
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED IN LARRY’S BARN BY: Jeff Travilla
Gentle in Spirit (Firm in Resolve)
Been trying to re-solve the puzzle
Edges square and middles latch
Colors tediously matched
Keep coming up one piece short
She’s missing from our table, siblings giggling
That’s my smile she wields
Behind your shield
Family dinner, one soul short
Hang tough, fighter
Gentle in spirit
Firm in resolve
And I love
Pleading for us all just consider
What if you’re wrong
Can’t you see that maybe there is harm being done?
She’s still so young
I refuse to hate you
Won’t let that poison touch my blood or my mind
We’ve got to be aligned
Only on her side
I can’t sit by while the happy drains from her eyes
I cleaned my sin to have a say again
I don’t want today to be the day my faith dies
Little bee won’t you please, little bee, come buzzing back around
Hang tough, fighter
Gentle in spirit
Firm in resolve
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY: Jeff Travilla
WRITTEN FOR: Justin F.
Highwire
It’s a lot to wrap my head around
Implications they are strong and loud
A baby and a broken man
Families, potential spite
All these things to think about
That’s why we got to do this right
Restraint is not my natural state
I walk an emotional high wire
Trust and feel
There’s no questions from me why, never
But my balance is bad
And I fall fast
When will I learn to set up the net?
I can’t be your secret love
No, not just an easy glove
A feel good patch for your frustration
Must be real, not just vacation
I can’t do this
I just can’t do this
Restraint is not my natural state
I walk an emotional high wire
Trust and feel
No questions from me why, never
But my balance is bad
So I fall fast
When will I learn to set up the net?
Just close enough to God
To be terrified
Just close enough to the edge
To be exhilarated
Just close enough to you
To fear it
And pull away
And pull away
So I pull away
Restraint is not my natural state
I walk an emotional high wire
Trust and feel
No questions from me why, never
Cause my balance is bad
And I fall fast
When will I learn to set up the net?
When will I learn…
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY: Jeff Travilla
Hold Onto Me
Ever since you kissed me, other girls don’t look the same
And I know we have history, but circumstance can change
Moving around this crowded room, taking pictures of pictures
I wanna hold your hand, is it too soon
No body language strictures
Hold onto me
I have known you for years
I have wanted this for years
Hold onto me I want to fall
I fumble with my words as you test me with yours
You said, “Please don’t flirt with my friend”
But are you kidding me, you’re the only one
You’re the only one
For ten years you have been the only one
Hold onto me
I have known you for years
I wanted you for years
Hold onto me I want to fall
And the bridge needs to be really high
To get me to you
And the bridge needs to be really high
For me to reach you
Hold onto me
I have known you for years
I have wanted this for years
Hold onto me I want to fall
Hold onto me I want to fall
Hold onto me
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY: Jeff Travilla
Memory Keep
Be vulnerable and honest and open
I don’t live in black and white
And I don’t live in grey
I choose to live in vast technicolor
Sometimes I find you in my mind
As I’m struggling to sleep
I keep you by my side with my dreams and diary
But I’m focusing on, I’m focusing on
I’m focusing on
My memory keep
And I turned to the sky as my knees
Forcibly hit the ground
And I screamed right out loud
Thank you for giving me life
And I will find you in my mind
As I’m struggling to sleep
I keep you by my side with my dreams and diary
But I’m focusing on, I’m focusing on
I’m focusing on
My memory keep
Sometimes I find you in my mind
As I’m struggling to sleep
I keep you by my side with my dreams and diary
But I’m focusing on, I’m focusing on
I’m focusing on
My memory keep
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY: Jeff Travilla
WRITTEN FOR: My dad, Mark
Rejoice
All of my friends live in a plastic bag
Walking around, jumping the train tracks
Over the fence, veins all black
Sleep on a bench in the park on my birthday
Call the blue lights
Cursed your name
When I find I’m still awake
And you, you give me everything good
I throw it away
I wish I could quit, but I can’t stand the shakes
Choking on smoke
While singing your praise
But I think there’s a god and he hears either way
I rejoice
And complain
I never know what to say
But I think there’s a god and he hears either way
I rejoice
And complain
Lift my voice
I was made
And somebody’s listening at night
And the ghosts of my friends when I pray
Asking why did you let them leave and then make me stay
Know my name and all of my hideous mistakes
I rejoice
I rejoice
I rejoice
WRITTEN BY: Julien Baker
PERFORMED BY: Jeff Travilla on Steve Travilla’s ukulele in his hot ass apartment
Tame the Chaos
Whether you’re a pilot
Whether you’re a gymnast
We’re all we’re just trying to stick the landing
Tame the chaos
To stick the landing
Sing in silence
The same as I did
Tame the chaos
To stick the landing
Firm your loose grip
Deep your breath in
Tame the chaos
To stick the landing
Whether you’re the cruise ship
Whether you’re its captain
We’re all we’re just trying to stick the landing
Whether you’re a fighter
Whether you’re her clenched fist
We’re all we’re just trying to stick the landing
Tame the chaos
To stick the landing
Sing in silence
The same as I did
Tame the chaos
To stick the landing
Firm your loose grip
Deep your breath in
Tame the chaos
To stick the landing
All your hell ’bout to break loose
Been building that dam in the fog
Circled emotional walls like horses in old wars
Shush
Be still and count your heartbeat
Find some peace
Tame the chaos…
Peace is a climb
Tame the chaos…
Your peace in time
Tame the chaos…
Peace is a climb
Tame the chaos…
Your peace takes time
WRITTEN BY: Jeff Travilla
CONCEPTUAL INSPIRATION: Matt Gaynier
ACOUSTIC GUITAR AND VOCALS: Jeff Travilla
DRUMS: Tom Doublier, recorded in Australia
CELLO: Natasha Jaffe, recorded in Germany
VIOLA: George Milanovich, recorded in Serbia
TRUMPET: Josué García García, recorded in Spain
Track Listing
Acknowledgments
Thank you to my sister, Katie Falk, for co-writing “Ellie’s Song” with me. To my brother, Steve Travilla, for the awesome watercolor paintings for the CD album art. To my mom, Patti Dault, for making me Edmond, the sobriety bear. Thanks Matt Gaynier, for our frequent late-night life coaching sessions and the inspiration for the lyric to Tame the Chaos. Major thanks to Justin F for your omnipresent reflections on sobriety that were a major instrument in my own realization of a need for change, as well as all the wonderful music over the span of your career that has been uplifting and influential. Thank you to my fiancé Lindsey, the most positive and uplifting person I know, who never shies away from her mission to change the world as a social impact coach.
Finally, thanks Dad, for instilling the love of music in me from my first breath until your last. I miss you every day and love you with all my heart.
Where to Listen
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